I'm not going to lie, when I first saw you on the Nice list, I was stunned. How, I asked myself, did this reprobate manage to worm onto the list specifically set aside for well-behaved children and Tom Hanks?
I checked my list (and surveillance) twice, but you didn't do anything bad for like the last six months straight. In fact, you didn't leave your house at all! I was all ready to bring you a new 60-inch TV and a puppy, incredulous and suspicious though I was.
But then. Then I realized that, sure, you haven't been going out and getting into trouble, but staying in doesn't mean you've been Nice. So I checked your browser history, and wow. Naughty doesn't even begin to cover it. The internet might be anonymous, buddy, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.
Anyway, here's a Justin Bieber cassette tape and a Toblerone bar from 2005. Merry Christmas, you utter degenerate!